Avant Tard: an englishman in sweden

World Citizen

2006-04-01T10:57:00.000+02:00

Made it to Vegas, and made it back home, but at a heavy price. I've been in bed ever since. The good news is, the U.S of A have allowed me back into their flabby arms. So back to NYC and Hawaii at some point this year, maybe for my 30th, even though we have Tokyo tentatively planned for that one. We shall see.

Funny that I've been to this city (Vegas) 4 times, a city I don't particulally care for, and a city I find more than a little repulsive. I don't even like gambling (even though that's my business - sshh don't tell my boss). The shops at Caesars and at the Fashion Show Mall are quite magnificent. Oh well, dum, di-dum, di-dum, dam, de-deh that's the way that my heart goes.

At least the sambo_hanna is pleased with her menagerie of makeup gifts from Sephora, and I consumed a decades worth of jack and cokes while bad cover bands played the hits of Pat Benetar.

I'm moving office, a whopping 8 minutes walk from my current location above Central Station to the World Trade Center. Mum will be a nervous wreck when I tell her that one, even though Stockholmians know there is no reason to be. Mums eh?

Anyway, time to get out of bed and get better, we have a date with Mozzilini tomorrow night!

30th Century Man

2006-03-06T05:08:00.000+01:00

For me, these shall be the 10 most important titles of the year. The two most important words...the drift

Cossacks (4:38)
Clara (12:49)
Jesse (6:34)
Jolson and Jones (7:51)
Cue (10:33)
Audience (5:56)
Buzzers (6:45)
Psoriatic (5:57)
The Escape (5:24)
A Lover Loves (3:11)

The long wait is over. 11 years since the last record, 22 years since the one before that. At this rate I will be 40 when the old man is back again...

Quick n' Dirty Melodifestivalen Review

2006-03-05T10:18:00.000+01:00

Heat 3

Heats 1 & 2 couldn't be viewed sadly, due to work commitments. That's right, working for the man interrupted the weekly dose of the swedish schlager saga.

1.BWO (aka Band Without their original name)

I like Alexander Bard. Was quite fascinated with him and the rest of Army of Lovers in the 90's, while my schoolmates were digging on grungetastic grunginess on MTV. I was certainly more in awe of the "funny looking people" who sang crucified, than what else was on offer. I hope they win.

2.Baby Popping Focker

A song akin to childbirth, I would imagine.

3.Token gay immigrant hairdresser entrant, Gregor

I would have certainly given him my immigrant vote, well I am one. One thing stood in the way, and that was the song....and the hair.

Sambo: "The 80s called. They want their hairstyle back."

Me: "The 90s called. They want their joke back"

4.Token Swedish Andersson Blonde

From the guys that penned last year's winner, Las Vegas, just not as good. She certainly looked miffed when learning the news that she hadn't made the final. I'm sure this sadness lead to her eating a WHOLE BAG of cheese doddles before bed.

5.The Poodles

Those Scandinavians really know to rock like Nikki Sixx, on Sunset Strip, in 1986. Glad they're through to the final at the Globe. However, they are certainly no WIGWAM, even though the singer was busting some moves worthy of Sir Vincent Neil.

6.The Operatic Abortion: Song Name "Golden Stars"

More like brown stars.

Speaking of which, I declared to Hannabanana that if they won the whole shebang in Stockholm I would eat a piece of poo. My own of course, anybody else's would just be downright gross.

Since they made it to the 2nd chance final, I'm breaking into a sweat as I type..

The rest was uberdull, including some guy who looked a bit like David Walliams from Little Britain but completely devoid of humour. Oh my was he ever a bag of bollocks. He made Ronan Keating look like the uk shockrockers 'Analcunt'. Now I'm going to get a lot of unnecessary visitors from goggle searches.

..and that concludes my melodifestivalen review.

Go eat Pizza Hut instead...

2006-03-03T23:21:00.000+01:00

Dominos Pizza founder building community around Catholic university. New town would restrict abortion

http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/03/02/catholic.town.ap/index.html

...oh christ

Razor Ramon Hard Gay

2006-01-21T18:24:00.000+01:00

He'e is one of the biggest stars in Japan. Part popstar, part comedian, and part fighter (see his battle with "Yin Ling the Erotic Terrorist")

This is Razor Ramon Hard Gay.

A Japanese sexual minority group recently complained over a game based on this television personality, so says the Mainichi Daily News...

A sexual minority network has sent complaints to toy giant Tomy and Tokyo Broadcasting System (TBS) over a new version of Tomy's Kurohige Kiki Ippatsu game that uses a character based on television personality Razor Ramon HG, alternatively known as Hard Gay.

The Kyoto-based sexual minority teacher's network is demanding that Tomy halt sales of a version of the game titled "Kurohi-gei Kiki Ippatsu."

In the game, which is scheduled to go on sale on Dec. 30, plastic swords are inserted into holes in a barrel until the character inside jumps out.

The game was planned by TBS, the channel on which Razor Ramon frequently appears, and Tomy is marketing it.
The complaints claim that selling a toy in which a gay or similarly associated person is put in a barrel and people 'enjoy' poking swords into it discriminates against homosexuals. They also raise fears that the game instills the impression in children that discrimination against gays is fine.

Officials from the sexual minority network are seeking a response from Tomy and TBS over the issues.
Tomy officials said they would respond.

"We have taken the matter seriously, and want to respond. The concept of the game is not to stab people with swords, but rather it is to have the character jump out from the barrel. We want to explain that there has been confusion," a company official said.

I am a seasonal root vegetable

2006-01-20T06:16:00.000+01:00

Swedish Residence Permit received after 10 long months of waiting. HUZZAH!

However. the lady at the migration office decided to choose the 2nd worst picture from the 4 photo booth images I presented. Not only that, she photocopied the picture, squished it up and popped it into a page of my passport rendering my face wider than it is long.

I do now resemble a swede; the seasonal root vegetable. DOUBLE HUZZAH!!

I dubbed the guy next door Naked Angry Dad. For one, when you walk past his kitchen window he is always naked from the waist up (from what I can see). Plus, he's always so flippin' angry, screaming at his young son about something or other. My lack of Swedish permits (per-mits, not perrrrrr-mits) me to understand a word he is saying, yet I know he's a mean nasty fucker.

Today he has been drilling in his kitchen at 5:45am for god knows what reason, which drove me up the wall. I imagine a make-believe confrontaton between he and I. N.A.D vs. V.A.G (Vegetablefaced Arsey Guy). God, I'd kick his naked angry ass so much. Yet in reality, I'd probably be on the end of the beatings. TRIPLE HUZZAH!!!

I wonder how many people have bitched about their jobs in their blogs and got fired because of it. The fear of this prevents me from posting funny stuff about collegues, god I'd dearly wish to do so, but jobs are so hard to find here in Sweden.

Seperating personal life & art

2006-01-11T21:37:00.000+01:00

J is back home, after a week in the south.
J and I are now lazing around the house and drinking wine after a long afternoon at the Gym.
J is avoiding doing her homework.
J, for those who don't know is my girlfriend...
...but I'm still not sure why J won't tell me the other letters of her name?

Ok, so I stole that line from the great Woody Allen. A man who has entertained and still entertains people to death with his writing, directing and acting. Yet since the Soon-Yi affair his name has become synonymous with sleaze and controversy. Joining the likes of two men whose work I will deeply enjoy to the ends of the earth; Serge Gainsbourg and Roman Polanski.

Some very educated people (and some not) simply won't watch the movies of Allen or Polanski or listen to the music of Gainsbourg because they feel so strongly that these artists should not be enjoyed because of their controversial backgrounds.

The words pedophile and sexual pervert are usually thrown around, be it warranted or non warranted.

Woody Allen shacked up with the adopted daughter of his then-wife Mia Farrow, before marrying in 1997.

Roman Polanski was convicted of the statutory rape of a 13-year-old girl and fled to Europe to escape incarceration.

Serge Gainsbourg openly admitted his pervy persuasions, certainly having a thing for "little girls". He died in 1991.

Of course, Polanski's situation does differ from the other two. However, I am not here to debate whether he should be prison or not, although he is very lucky to have gone so long without time behind bars.

I am debating this. Should these artists still be revered considering their pasts?
Should I be insanely guilty for being a HUGE fan of all three of these guys and at times not caring at all about their personal life ?
Should their life and art be separated?
Or is it because of their life that their art be so intriguing?

Just a thought for today.

With so many light years to go

2006-01-08T21:40:00.000+01:00

One shot of happy, 2 million shots of sad

2006-01-08T11:06:00.000+01:00

As a thank you for doing good business in 2005, my company are paying for all their staff to go to Las Vegas in February/March. Imagine my excitement upon hearing this news, ok change the word excitement for trauma. Why you say? ..Vegas isn't that bad?

Well the truth of the matter is that I am not allowed to enter Bushland due to previous visa issues. So no trip for me!

So the lesson for today is, be careful of your choices kids, as life does have a tendency to leave it's teethmarks in your posterior.

Although I have visited Vegas 3 times already, and New York, plus lengthy stints in Seattle and Los Angeles. So really can't complain can I? - OH YES I CAN!!

Shaun answers 2005's most important questions

2006-01-08T00:00:00.000+01:00

Q. Don'tcha you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? (P Dolls - Hollywood Ca)

Erm, No (ok that was an easy one)

----------------

Q. You're beautiful. you're beautiful it's true" (J Blunt - Eton UK)

Thanks for that Jimmy, although it's not really a question is it. More of a comment. Regardless, I am always a sucker for a bit of flattery. You, however, remain a marble-mouthed-talentless-oversentimental-upper class cock.

----------------

Q. Not much of a CV is it. Do you know how to play poker? (M. Y. Work - Stockholm Sweden)

Oh yes. I am practically a pro. Some say I'm the next Tiger Woods. Oh he's a golfer? I was never good at games.

Well..errm I do have to see other applicants Mr...

Oh did I mention I can work the most unsociable hours known to man? Rendering me socially retarded in all walks of life. A life? What's a life?. Haw haw haw. No, I'm serious.

You got the job.

----------------

Q. Here is picture photo of 3 children of my, in country of land mother. I need send money to him, could spare some change? (A. Man - Tunnelbana, Hornstull)

Ohh. I like what you've done with this shot, very rustic, very REAL. What type of Camera did you use? A Sony Cyber-shot DSC-T7?

No, a Sony DSC F88, but people often mistake the two. Do you have anything? I accept all currency, very happy yes.

This'll be my stop. Very nice accordian you have by the way

Twenty for 2005

2006-01-07T10:01:00.000+01:00

Favourite Records of 2005
(in no particular order)

1. Perry Blake - The Crying Room
2. Jay-Jay Johanson - Rush
3. Antony and the Johnsons - I am a Bird Now
4. Devendra Banhart - Cripple Crow
5. Boards of Canada - The Campfire Headphase
6. El Perro Del Mar - Look! it's El Perro Del Mar
7. Nine Horses - Snow Borne Sorrow
8. Moneybrother - To Die Alone
9. Robyn - Robyn
10. Jenny Wilson - Love and Youth
11. Laleh - Laleh
12. The Posies - Every Kind of Light
13. Momus - Otto Spooky
14. The Cardigans - Super Extra Gravity
15. Cousteau - Nova Scotia
16. Stuart Staples - Lucky Dog Recordings
17. Alan Braxe & Friends - The Upper Cuts
18. Ladytron - The Witching Hour
19. Franz Ferdinand - You could have it so much better with....
20. Kate Bush - Aerial

I would have added the Kent album, but I must deduct one million points for the hideous cover. Another bad year for exploring new music since I have become a member of the working zombies. Mental Note: (Work Less/Listen More)

An old blog stored my favourite records from previous years.

Favourite Records of 2004
(in no particular order)

1. The Go! Team - Thunfer, Lightning, Strike
2. The Arcade Fire - Funeral
3. Dungen - Ta det lugnt
4. Annie - Anniemal
5. Morrissey - You are the Quarry
6. Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
7. Kings of Convenience - Riot on an empty street
8. Blonde Redhead - Misery is a Butterfly
9. Jens Lekman - When i said I wanted to be your dog
10. Erland Oye - DJ Kicks
11. Brian Wilson - Smile
12. Fennesz - Venice
13. Devendra Banhart - Rejoicing In the Hands
14. Iron & Wine - Our Endless, Numbered Days
15. Electrelane - The Power Out
16. Stereolab- Margerine Eclipse
17. Ratatat - Ratatat
18. Bjork - Medulla
19. Patrick Wolf - Lycanthropy
20. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - Abattoir Blues/The Lyre of Orpheus

Favourite Records of 2003
(in no particular order)

1. April March - Triggers
2. The Knife - Deep Cuts
3. The Cardigans - Long Gone Before Daylight
4. The Mars Volta - De-Loused in the Comatorium
5. Belle & Sebastian - Dear Catastrophe Waitress
6. Outkast - Speakerboxx/Love Below
7. The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
8. Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism
9. Perry Blake - Song for Someone
10. David Sylvian - Blemish
11. Ennio Morricone - Mondo Morricone Revisited
12. Kylie - Body Language
13. Mogwai - Happy Songs for Happy People
14. Relaxed Muscle - A Heavy Night With..
15. Air - Talkie Walkie
16. Goldfrapp - Black Cherry
17. Broadcast - HaHa Sound
18. Benjamin Biolay - Negatif
19. Keren Ann - Not Going Anywhere
20. Matmos - The Civil War

Favourite Records of 2002
(in no particular order)

1. The Black Heart Procession - Amore Del Tropico
2. Beck - Sea Change
3. MC Paul Barman - Paullelujah!
4. Ken Stringfellow - Touched
5. Boards of Canada - Geogaddi
6. Beth Gibbons - Out of Season
7. Gonzales - Presidential Suite
8. Flaming Lips - Yoshimi battles the pink robots
9. Sonic Youth - Murray Street
10. Montgolfier Brothers - The World is Flat
11. Ladytron - Light and Magic
12. Mum - Finally We Are No-one
13. Sneaker Pimps - Bloodsport
14. And you will know us by the Trail of Dead - Source Tags and Codes
15. Tarwater - Dwellers on the Threshold
16. Perry Blake - California
17. Okkervil River - Stars too small for use
18. Benjamin Biolay - Rose Kennedy
19. Keren Ann - Disparation
20. Kent - Vapen and Ammunition

This is Avant Tard

2005-10-08T21:49:00.000+02:00

So this is the debut of the new blog. No more myspace ramblings about how many apples I stacked in a tower on the kitchen table or how many poos I had in one day. No, this is going to be intellectual blogging at it's best dammit, cerebral stimulation that supercedes comprehension. All axis of life squished into a pocketful of magic dust, dust from the bones of a unicorn's horn. Yeah, now I mean business. I'm bigger, better, faster, stronger and more retarded than ever. Even Stephen Hawkin will be mystified by this shit. Jigga what.

Drinking in Odenplan with my new music friend and part Zoologist, part fiddler "Ben", I was informed of an exhibition happening imminently at Färgfabriken (an old factory bulding, now art gallery) in liljeholmen. Where Talking Head's legend David Byrne would be PLAYING the building. That's right PLAYing the building. Not PLAYing "IN" the building, but PLAYING the building. As, turn the building into a music instrument. Let me explain...

Jan 5th EDIT: (So, ok the hairy fruitnut warewolf Ben is no longer my friend. Another story for another time my children. Lets get back to bizness shall we..)

An old organ (pictued below) was connected to various pipes and motors throuout the factory by tubes. Each tube was triggered by a key on the organ, and when the keys were pressed, natural sounds would emmenate from different corners of the old factory. Musique Concrete without the splicing and pasting, and maybe more concrete. Karlheinz Stockhausen without the Stock. The silver fox himself, David Byrne introduced the project at the seat of this factory playing ogran without hitting a note. HE DIDN'T EVEN PLAY PSYCHO KILLER.

Fucker.

(ok, I was being facetious)

TV cameras were there, so look out for my ugly mug on some midnight minute on the Mezzo channel or something.

The angle to this exhibition was that the public could also sit at the organ and play the building, but non of the Swedes dared to approach this scared instrument. No, only the under 8s and we two Englishmen played the damn thing. Eagle Eye Cherry was hovering around, building up the courage to tap his finger on the ivory, but cowerdly retreated to the bar upstairs. As did we...

Have you seen the video to Franz Ferdinand's "Do you want to?". Well the gallery bar resembled that faux arty club, almost uncanily. How odd. As the clientelle listened to spaz jazz and scrutinzed swedish tunnelbana art.... Ben and I talked Requiem for a Dream, Lolita, Ennio Morricone, Trad Folk, Dudley Moore/Peter Cook, John Barry, Pere Ubu and planned our upcoming musical assault into the ears of a generation. Yes, we're going to try and write some stuff over the next few weeks and see how it goes. I don't want to jinx it, but I have a good feeling. He's a smashing chap, and has some magnificent muttonschops. I am really into the music he makes too.

Johanna didn't come along, maybe she would've had it been Bowie and not Byrne. The exhibition goes on until the middle of November, maybe I can drag her down to play a ceiling or two.

Jan 7th EDIT: (DJ COOLOF from The Knife played records at this event, how the hell did I miss this? I really needs to start reading Swedish so I don't miss out on these things..sigh, me and my incompetence)